HMM FCUKIN HELL GOT MY POSTINGS!PRE U!!!!WTF IS GOIN ON!!!!! FINALI WHEN I DUN WAN IT IT COMES BACK Y IS TIS ROUNDABOUT GOIN ON IN MA LIFE ONLI!wat m i to do now bt to appeal v v hEARTBROKEN...honey i m missin u now n wish i cud jus lay on ur lap n sleep..sudd wish we cud go to OUR FAV PLACE E SECRET GARDEN(U SHUD NOE WHERE)WELL TOM APPEALIN 4 WHERE I WANA GO N YEA I DUNO WAT TO DO BT HOPE N WISH THOUGH M SO JINXED ITS OK LETS JUS TRY SEE HOW IT GOES.. IF NOT DOOM IS ON MY WAE PLUS MY HONEY'S "PAST associate"also goin to e same "ASSOCIATION"
AS ME its liek WTF! E X ASSOCIATION N CURRENT ASSOCIATION MEET UP CLUB!its liek argh feelin terrible...anywae yest i had fun wid my honey at cityhall ehehe n thxs hoNEY 4 TOLERATING ME YEST EHHE hey i noe its not easi on ur part past few daes so dun worry ok ...hmm arghh i m so lost wat m i to do!ANYWAE ... LIFE IS SHIT A PILE OF SHIT TATS ALL I NOE ..... EVERY1 IS HAI   ¶ 10:55 PM

  hmm well.. YEST A TRAGIC HAPPENED HMM YES!... in front of my eyes E MUM TOOK OUT A PACK OF CIGAR N ASKED U ALL AS PALS SHUD NOE WHY HES HAVING SORE THROAT I WAAS LIEK YEA IN MY HEART COS OF FOOD MAYB N E NEXT TING I NOE SHE SAID NO HES BEEN SMOKIN!MY HEART TORE I WAS LEIK IMPOSSIBLE STILL I WANTED TO TOK BACK BT DUNO Y I WAS LOST IN WRDS.. 1ST TING TAT CAME OUT WHOSE PACK WAS IT I STOOD THERE REALLIII SHOCKED N LOST 4 WRDS UNTIL LIEK A FEW SECS WHEN I actualli realised wtf was going on .... i went up to him when he was eatin his bee hoon soup n asked IS TIS URS?N HE SAID YA ITS MINE...(STILL I DIDNT BELIEVE)so i decided to ask him swear upon me n swami was tat his n he said YA (immediately my heart sank)............. i didnt bellief i asked again BT ONLI TO HEAR NOTHIN BT E TRUTH yeS HE'S A SMOKER N TIS WAS GOIN ON N ON UNTIL I BROKE INTO TEARS .. cudnt hlp it it jus flowed down .. all tis while i was decieveed?or did i trust sum1 too much when every1 around me once told me not to trust any guy b it ur luver or anythin.. sudd i feel so cheated n lost e last tiem tis feeling came ova me was when i had a SHIT BREAKUP WID MY X BF...bt now e guy who claims to luv me more than his life .. SWEARED UPON ME N SWAMI N SWEARRED UPON OUR LUV JUS TURNED OUT TO B A LIAR WHO DECIEVED ME ONCE AGAIN...my heart thumped so fast..its leik e wrld sorroundin me is crashing ... 1st my best pal lleft me N NOW TIS .. n tom r my postings...sudd i jus hate it IT SEEMS HES been smoking for quite a few weeks N ME BEING E CLOSEST PERSON DINT NOE ANYTHING BT E PERSON TATS FAR AWAE SEEMS TO NOE EVERYTHING .... DID I TRUST HIM TOO MUCH TO HAVE LOST HIM n also Y M I ALWAYS A FAILURE .. wat did i not do tat he touched it again....WHAT?LUV WASNT THERE OR WAT ?I DID EEVERYTHING I CUD TINKIN I WAS THERE BT WHERE WAS I WHEN HE TOUCHED CIGAR?WHERE? ARGH N JUS E DAE B4 I SUSPECTED IT DUNO Y BT SUMTIMES I HATE ME 3RD SENSE ITS LEIK SHUX I NOE SUMTHINS HAPPENING BT I RATHER TRUST HIM THEN MYSELF PPLE SAE FOLLOW UR HEART BT I DUN ANYMORE WHEN IT COMES TO HIM I FOLLOWED HIM N SEE I GOT FOOLED JUS E WAE EVERY1 ELSE FOOLS ME !BEHIND MY BACK LIEK A STABBER... ANYWAE JUS DAE B4 WHEN I ASKED HE SAID NO LA MAYB HE WAS SHOCKED I HAD ASKED HIM TAT N I ASK HIM TO SWEAR UPON ME SWAMI N OUR LUV N HE SAID YA N THEN HE JOKINGLY SAID EH I SMOKE LLA I WAS LIEK NO WAE I NOE U LUV ME N EVEN IF U TELL ME I ALSO DONT BELIEF COS I BELIEF IN OUR LUV N TRUST U ... omg i duno man i realli dunt... SUDD whole wrld is abt to topple...i went ova right n then i brought him to e doc b4 tat i didnt know it was onli after coming back frm e doctor.. when he was eatin his lunch ...his mum started cryin n shouting...(i totalli understand tat)n his sis was cryin in e room wid me ...(SHUX)jus when eeveerything went perfectly y did he jus do tis !argh n i irem jus last week i sweared upon swami to his dad tat he dusnt smoke N TIS ASS HAS BEEN SMOKIN EVEN B4 TAT WTF MAN!HOW M I GONA FACE UP TO SWAMI N HIS DAD N MYSELF I DUNO... I REALLI DUN..wat i realise is i been used as a escape goat... n HIS PALS AROUND HIM R JUS NOT PALS....THEY R ASSHOLES ....COS THEY SMOKE TOGETHA WID HIM I MEAN WTF THEY R ALL SMOKERS SO TO EM IS NOTHING I DUNO SUDD I DUNO LA I REALLI DUN ... feelin shitty anywae so yea I WAS SO MAD I SAID ONE MORE PUFF U TAKE MEANS GOODBYE TO UR GRANNY COS I NOE HE LUVS HER ... I DUN DARE TO SAE TAT HE LUVS ME .. AFTER TIS INCIDENT ... BT I NOE HE NEEDS ME BADLY SO I WUD B STAYIN BSIDE HIM .... I DUN WANA NEGLECT HIM .. MANI PPLE AT TIS TIME WHEN E ENTIRE WRLD AROUND EM IS SHUNNIN EM AWAE NEED SUM1 OR MATTERS WUD B WORST SO I DECIDED TO STAY .. ANYWAE he promised (i noe it dusnt matter bt at least have a lil lfaith in his wrds)n ya i did bee hoon soup for his diinner n i ddid fried tom yam mee for me n e sis i mean though i ate v lil bit ... cos no appetite ...anywae i jus dun wana see him shiver its so scary i jus cried seein him on bed liek tat ...no1 knew n i dun care WAT I WAN IS MY HONEY BACK NOT SUM DRUG ADDICT n m willing to withstand anythin tats gona come in e wae I M NOT GONA GIV HIM PEACE .. EVERYWHERE HES GONA GO HES GROUNDED TO ME AS MUCH AS I WANA GIV HIM HIS PEACE BT HE JUS BLEW IT AWAE HE SUMHOW CANTTTTTT B ALONE ...NO BUTS BT I TINK WHEN IT COMES TO HOME I TINK HES GONA LOSE HIS FREEDOM ... I DUN BLAME HIS PARENTS BT HIM HE WAS GIVEN SO MUCH BT SEE HE SPOILT IT ... I PITY HIS PARENTS N SIS N ALSO HIM .. AT E END OF E DAE HE DIDNT DISSAPOINT ME HE DISSAPOINTED HIS MORALES .... N HIMSELF ....IF HES NOT GONA CHANGE ITS GONA RUIN NO1 ELSE BT HIM ...AS A GF WE DO OUR PART WE TRY TO B THERE BT IF HES NOT WILLING TO LISTEN I DUNO .. I WUD LEAVE ... its either e cigar or me ...   ¶ 3:25 PM

  hey BLOGGIE TODAE i N HONEy went to serangoon makan buffet I WHACKED SO MANI BLOODY PLATES N HE JUS 2 i tink he wasnt well n then later on went to bugis saw stuffs n HE STARTED COUGHIN aww man hai n came back to my house 4 bhajaans he was COUGHIN N HE STARTED VOMITTIN SO BADLY I GOT WORRIED AWW MAN HONEY I LUV U HONEY PRAYIN U WUD B FINE ANYWAE hmm tom i meeting his pals 2 gals one preety n one cow ehhe my fav though e cow ehehe well she mus b sad sia e tot of so mani tings i mean i nvr met any1 so young havIN SO MUCH OF PROBS N SHITS n yet so brave handsdown to her anywae honey as 4 u SHUTUP N STAY AT HOME N YEA ... watchin american idoL N YEA AWESOMELY ROCKING N TOM SAME RESTAURANT I WENT TODAE SO SUAY LA EHEHEH!EHEHEHE ANYWAE ITS OK FOOD'S GOOD SO WAT MORE SO YEA hope i m gona have fun wid em WELL COW IS FUN SO I TINK E PREETY ONE SHUD B OK TOO EHHE ALTHOUGH I M E PREETIEST KIDDIN AHAH OKOK nitey!  ¶ 6:18 AM

  Understanding Why People Smoke
This 1969 internal tobacco industry document from the Philip Morris archives provides unusual insight into the reasons why people smoke. This is a classic work that answers many questions asked frequently today -- over 30 years later. We highlight exerpts from the document and provide direct links to the actual pages. You can also visit the Philip Morris site and view the document on their site (see Source information below). Select pages from a second document [1, 2, 3], also from the Philip Morris archive, provides insight as to why girls begin smoking.

QUOTE: S. Tomkins and Daniel Horn have proposed that there are four types of smokers. We don't agree. We believe smokers to be much more alike than different insofar as their motivation to smoke is concerned. This is the thesis of this paper and the conviction underlying our current research program.

We believe that the confusion resides in the fact that the smoker, although aware of his response to smoke, is unable to report accurately the nature of his response. He is aware of the pleasurable inner state but beyond that he cannot characterize the state. He has trouble translating the somatic sensations into descriptive words. We believe that all smokers smoke for this vague but pleasant subjective experience; some call it a lift, some call it relaxation... a rose by any other name is still a rose [1].


QUOTE: We have, then, as our first premise, that the primary motivation for smoking is to obtain the pharmacological effect of nicotine.

In the past we at R & D have said that we're not in the cigarette business, we're in the smoke business. It might be more pointed to observe that the cigarette is the vehicle of smoke, the smoke is the vehicle of nicotine, and nicotine is the agent of a pleasurable body response [2].


QUOTE: We are not suggesting that the effect of nicotine is responsible for the initiation of the habit. To the contrary. The first cigarette is a noxious experience to the noviate. To account for the fact that the beginning smoker will tolerate the unpleasantness we must invoke a psychosocial motive.

Smoking a cigarette for the beginner is a symbolic act. The smoker is telling the world, "This is the kind of person I am." Surely there are many variants on the theme, "I am no longer my mother's child," "I am tough," "I am an advernturess," "I'm not a square." Whatever the individual intent, the act of smoking remains a symbolic declaration of personal identity [3, 4].


QUOTE: Without attempting at this point to establish anything about the relevance of the physiological response to the sought for "pleasure" in smoking, we list below those body changes which have been shown to occur upon inhaling smoke. In it generally accepted that nicotine is in all instances the responsible agent [5].


QUOTE: At this point we go back to consider the reported differences between smokers and non-smokers. There is one thing that stands out as a recurring observation: Smokers, by and large, are people who are more psychologically stressed than non-smokers. There tends to be more turbulence within the person, and there tends to be more turbulence impinging upon the person [6].


QUOTE: We suggested before digressing onto the topic of stress that smoking is more prevalent among people under stress. We can pursue this idea further by making these three observations:

1. Cigarette smoking is more often a habit among more responsive, more arousable, more anxious people than among the less responsive or more tranquil people.

2. More cigarette smoking is to be found among people who life careers expose them to pressures and crises.

3. A smoker smokes more during the more stressful moments of his day or during stressful periods of his life [8].


QUOTE: The question of why one smokes can now be expressed in these terms:

What is the relationship between psychological arousal and the immediate psychopharmacological effect of nicotine?
It seems clear to us that we should expect nicotine to alter the arousal state in a manner consistent with the needs of the smoker at the time of arousal. In fact it is our belief that the ultimate explanation for the prevalence and the refractory nature of the cigarette habit will be found to reside in the beneficial effect of inhaled smoke upon the psychological arousal state [9].

QUOTE: Seven of the ten observed body responses to inhaled smoke are in the direction to be expected if the effect sought was stimulation, i.e., making for greater arousal. They are all seven consistent with the lay smoker's explanation that he smokes for a lift, or to be stimulated [10].

QUOTE: In light of all the evidence and particularly in view of the forcefulness of the three points mentioned above (see pages 10 and 11), we suspect that it is relief from the body response to stress which the smoker is seeking from his cigarette [11].

QUOTE: These considerations have caused us to focus upon one of the principle symptoms of a hyper-aroused state, namely, muscle tension. When roused to a state of vigilance, skeletal muscles are tensed in preparation for action. Most of us have experienced most, if not all, of the following effects of exaggerated muscle tension:

1. A fine tremor in the extremities
2. Exaggerated reflex action
3. Jerky, spastic movement or general clumsiness
4. Facial tics
5. Tightening of the throat
6. Unsteadiness of the voice
7. A feeling of unsteadiness
8. Irrelevant muscle activity
In addition to the direct impact of these effects upon behavioral efficiency, there is the insidious and very real effect of the person's awareness of the disruptive influence of excessive muscle tension upon his overt behavior. This is a familiar force to the clinician dealing with psychoneurosis, who, obseving it in more extreme form, refers to it as the vicious neurotic circle. The neurotic's anxiety frightens him, creating further anxiety

Within this context it can be seen that there is powerful inducement to the overly aroused, key-up individual to seek relief from the adverse effects of arousal upon body function [11 and 12].

QUOTE: It is the working hypothesis of our current research program that nicotine pharmacologically intervenes to reduce muscle tension, thus providing relief sought by the smoker [13].

Sources:
1. Philip Morris -- 1003287836/7848 [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11] [12] [13]
19690000
SCIENTIFIC REPORT
WHY ONE SMOKES
Mentions: ARCH INST PHARMACODYN; HARROWGATE; LEO, LEO BURNETT AGENCY; TOBACCO RESEARCH COUNCIL; UNIV OF LONDON

2. Philip Morris -- 2026265507/5518 [1] [2] [3]
19791112
NEWSLETTER
WHY GIRLS SMOKE
Mentions: Excerpts from Philip Morris newsletter

  ¶ 1:34 AM

  my shit ass bf is sleepin bhind argh sumhow potion's wrkin right 4 me n yea n hmm
hmm well so in luv wid ma honey n did palak panner his fav todae n i noe it ddid sux bt sumhow he finished it aww so touched ma baby!sudd hes tokin abt drinkin n smokin well LETS DEBATE ABT IT PPPPLE...SMOKERS SMOKE Y?not cos they like it n even if they do like it its cos it makes em high free frm probs n shit i mean nice shortcut bt bad effects ..well drinkin .. why drink?cos it sumhow makes u high too drunk means drink n 4get n live merrily bt why drink or smoke?NO LOVE!research hav shown tat most pple who drink n smoke r pple who feel unwanted by society n also who feel so lost n wana b happi cs they r not happi onli the min when they drink n smoke bt after a while it cums back to square one ..well honey it hurts me to see u tis wae bt also at e same time i do like to sae u r my bf n u dun drink n u dun smooke nor even tink abt it bt sad tink is u tink abt it ... well everythings in e mind .. well u were born w/o such shit it means u dun need tis to go on .. ur mind was clear as a child n now its polluted wid such filthy tots HONESTLY BOO TO SMOKERS N DRINKERS! U ALL R BUNCH OF LOSERS!Y?COS U ALL R NOT BRAVE ENUFF TO FACE UP TO UR PROBS .. HIDIN AWAE LIKE A TURTLE UNDER ITS SHELL LIKE HELLO CMON!!!!SMOKIN MAKES U HIGH BT AT E SAME TIME TAKES U HIGHER UP TO HEAVEN ..WELL TINK ABT IT UR PARENTS OR FOR SUM NOT PARENTS BT GRANNYS WHO LUV U BROUGHT U UP GAVE U LUV WHEN U WERE BORN PRAISIN ABT U SAEIN I WISH HE WUD B A ENGINNER OR DOC N WHEN IT CUMS TO CHARAC HOPE HE HAS GD HEALTH IS FILLIAL N DUSNT GO IN E WRONG WAE.. I MEAN CMON AT LEAST 4 E SAKE OF PPLE WHO LUV U U GUYS SHUD SEE IT STP HURTIN EVERY1 ELSE 4 UR SELFISHNESS I NOE ITS HARD TO DO .. BT U GOT TO ...COSSSSSSSSSS LIFE WAS NVR EASI...AT E END OF E DAE NOT ABT 4GETTIN WORRIES BT BEING A WARRIOR IF U CANT THEN DUN CALL URSELF A MAN!B A LADY.. N WATS TIS ABT GUYS CANT CRY COS E SOCIETY FINDS EM GIRLISH LIKE HELLO CMON!SO THEY DRINK?AHAHA WHICH CENTURY CRAP ISSIT I M NOT ASKIN U TO CRY TO E SOCIETY N 1ST LET ME REMIND U U R NOT LIVIN 4 E SOCIETY AT E END OF E DAE WHO HASNT E SOCIETY SPARED .?Y DO U CARE?LIVE 4 URSELF ....WELL ITS A XCUSE ABT SOCIETY WELL IF SOCIETY TINKS TIS N SOCIETY TINKS TAT THEN U SHUDNT EVN B URSELF N WHO U R TODAE .. GAYS LESBIANS ....TOKIN ABT SOCIETY?SOCIETY IS CRAP N FIGHTIN TO BURSELF IS E REAL U !IF SO MANI PPLE TINK ABT SOCIETY WHY WUD THEY WANA CHANGE SEX?THEY SHUD REMAIN AS EMSELF!COS SOCIETY DUSNT ACCEPT SUCH PPLE!BT IF THERE R SUCH PPLE IT MEANS....ITS NOT ABT SOCIETY ANYMORE ITS ABT U N URSELF!UR BRAINZ WHERE HAS IT GONE TO ?IS TIS Y U R BORN 4?GIVIN IN TO TEMPTATIONS TAT MAKE UR LIFE SHORTER N EVIL?ITS NOT A TEMPTATION BT A XCUSE!MILLIONS R DYIN!DUN B E NXT IN E MILLION TO GIV IN TO TEMPTATION N ROT COS SOCIETY IS NOT GONA CARE OR LOOK BACK N BUILT U A MEMORIAL ...  ¶ 12:57 AM

  BACK AFTER A CENTURY ..LOLZzzZ LisTEniN TO preety Woman song (hindi SONG) n TYPIn ..ANYWAe HEY BLOGGIE missed u BIG TIME .. sory man wasnt FREE AT All !esp wid critics n issues tat were arose in my own justice court..well it seems theres tis guy who saes tat i m insensitive ...least understanding .. n BLAH BLAH!argH YEAH MAN tis IS e Kinda shit tat has been happenIN N as HARD as i try to b e judge they JUS DUN WANA CHANGE THEIR OPINIONS~!ehhe so i did nothin bt to leave ...4 good or bad for worst or better I DUNO!hehe all i noe SCHS GONA START PRETTY SOon!No more TIME to Dance oN E street bangin my face all over widout NO SHAME AT ALL!No MORE sELf EMbarASSIn situtioN cos its GONA b A WHOLE new wrld!anywae I Can jUS iMAGINe SHOUTing : HEY u IDIOT MOROAN Y E FCUK R U STARIN AT E PREETIEST GAL IN E CAMPUS!hehehe LOLZ well noein e crazy me PPLE WUD xcuse me BT I DUN TINK SO ANYMORE pple r gona bASH ME UP!FEMALE BASHING IN PROCESS ...prOCessING.....Tiit TIIT toot!ehhe ok ANYWAE i m mad!ehhe pardon me jus xcited anywae i m tryin to adpot a new lifestyle TAT IS E LIFESTYLE OF ME!!! yeash! put UP ur HANDS n welCOme E immatured PSYCHOTIC MOROAN BITCH OF E YEAR !EHHEH TATS me!!!!!!HEHE anywae hai feelin V V WEIRD.. sudd tis shot of potion i been taking for 7mths made me go round n round n makes me feel as if i wasnt gentle at all n m nothin bt a ruffian AND A 2ND CLASS CITIZEN!i mean cmon issit so wrong sumtimes to DO E THINGS I DO . at least i dun sit around POSING MY UGLY LEGS IN FRONT CROSSIN EM N SAEIN LIKE :Ohhh its OK no PRObLEM anNYTIME!U kiLL ME ALSo i woNT kill u back i will gladly die.. I MEAN CMON! PPLE U NOE ME MAN I M A NO JOKE GAL WHEN SUM1 OFFENSE ME ESP IN FOOD !I CANT TAKE IT mah!argh i MEAN ITS SO HARD i rem e 1st potion i took TRIED TO CHANGE ME TO SUM1 ELSE N SO DID E 2ND n 3rd was a ddisaster made me belief i was cinderella n ran awae wid my glass slipper!n also now 4th type of potion i tried was SWEET BT .... not 4 long ... too good to b true.. its liek every1 is saein sumthin abt me .. its liek not a single one is jus accepting me
i mean I M SHIT N TIS N TAT BT ITS SO HARD SUMTIMES I WANA CRY SO BADLY COS I NVR FOUND ANY1 WHO ACCEPTED ME E WAE I M ... every1 has sumthin to add on .. n i dun wana live for it anymore ITS LIEK A SPIDER BREAKIN FREE FRM ITS COBWEB.. i mean i duno i m feelin v uneasy abt e things tat pple r beginnin to sae abt me BEST PART I LOST MY PAL ALL DUE TO MY NONSENSE BT I STILL STAND UP 4 MY STAND STRONGLY!ARGh i duno its liek i can onli sae tis WELL i can onli b A RUFFIAN OR 2ND CLASS CITIZEN .. i m n ot askin any1 to kiss me or hug me .... or eeven lend me a shoulder jus DUN sae anymore shit abt ME... cos its makin me FEEL REALLI BAD .. n m startin to hatemyself!
  ¶ 12:27 AM

  BACK AFTER A CENTURY ..LOLZzzZ LisTEniN TO preety Woman song (hindi SONG) n TYPIn ..ANYWAe HEY BLOGGIE missed u BIG TIME .. sory man wasnt FREE AT All !esp wid critics n issues tat were arose in my own justice court..well it seems theres tis guy who saes tat i m insensitive ...least understanding .. n BLAH BLAH!argH YEAH MAN tis IS e Kinda shit tat has been happenIN N as HARD as i try to b e judge they JUS DUN WANA CHANGE THEIR OPINIONS~!ehhe so i did nothin bt to leave ...4 good or bad for worst or better I DUNO!hehe all i noe SCHS GONA START PRETTY SOon!No more TIME to Dance oN E street bangin my face all over widout NO SHAME AT ALL!No MORE sELf EMbarASSIn situtioN cos its GONA b A WHOLE new wrld!anywae I Can jUS iMAGINe SHOUTing : HEY u IDIOT MOROAN Y E FCUK R U STARIN AT E PREETIEST GAL IN E CAMPUS!hehehe LOLZ well noein e crazy me PPLE WUD xcuse me BT I DUN TINK SO ANYMORE pple r gona bASH ME UP!FEMALE BASHING IN PROCESS ...prOCessING.....Tiit TIIT toot!ehhe ok ANYWAE i m mad!ehhe pardon me jus xcited anywae i m tryin to adpot a new lifestyle TAT IS E LIFESTYLE OF ME!!! yeash! put UP ur HANDS n welCOme E immatured PSYCHOTIC MOROAN BITCH OF E YEAR !EHHEH TATS me!!!!!!HEHE anywae hai feelin V V WEIRD.. sudd tis shot of potion i been taking for 7mths made me go round n round n makes me feel as if i wasnt gentle at all n m nothin bt a ruffian AND A 2ND CLASS CITIZEN!i mean cmon issit so wrong sumtimes to DO E THINGS I DO . at least i dun sit around POSING MY UGLY LEGS IN FRONT CROSSIN EM N SAEIN LIKE :Ohhh its OK no PRObLEM anNYTIME!U kiLL ME ALSo i woNT kill u back i will gladly die.. I MEAN CMON! PPLE U NOE ME MAN I M A NO JOKE GAL WHEN SUM1 OFFENSE ME ESP IN FOOD !I CANT TAKE IT mah!argh i MEAN ITS SO HARD i rem e 1st potion i took TRIED TO CHANGE ME TO SUM1 ELSE N SO DID E 2ND n 3rd was a ddisaster made me belief i was cinderella n ran awae wid my glass slipper!n also now 4th type of potion i tried was SWEET BT .... not 4 long ... too good to b true.. its liek every1 is saein sumthin abt me .. its liek not a single one is jus accepting me
i mean I M SHIT N TIS N TAT BT ITS SO HARD SUMTIMES I WANA CRY SO BADLY COS I NVR FOUND ANY1 WHO ACCEPTED ME E WAE I M ... every1 has sumthin to add on .. n i dun wana live for it anymore ITS LIEK A SPIDER BREAKIN FREE FRM ITS COBWEB.. i mean i duno i m feelin v uneasy abt e things tat pple r beginnin to sae abt me BEST PART I LOST MY PAL ALL DUE TO MY NONSENSE BT I STILL STAND UP 4 MY STAND STRONGLY!ARGh i duno its liek i can onli sae tis WELL i can onli b A RUFFIAN OR 2ND CLASS CITIZEN .. i m n ot askin any1 to kiss me or hug me .... or eeven lend me a shoulder jus DUN sae anymore shit abt ME... cos its makin me FEEL REALLI BAD .. n m startin to hatemyself!  ¶ 12:26 AM

  hmmmm v weird feelin kinda went to his msn n logged on n chatted onli to despair a person cumin up to me saein if it was crooked or straight hmm i realli hate tis seriously life nvr been tis tough bt wat e hell is wrong y issit life so fair on me e person who i luv n who realli truly luvs me is .... hmm y is every1 lookin so weirdly at me ?m i realli sum1 so screwed hmm i feelin horrible man~hmm e times i n him went out together we had our fair share of fun n pain ~omg~so screwed man.... m i realli a weirdo tis qn jus kps buggin me shit am i gona end it all cos of tis ?bt wheres my senses i did agree to it wats wrong wid me now dun tell me tis shit has gotten to e edge of me wats wrong gal! WATS WRONG Y R U SEEING IT NOW ?WAT HAPPENED E PREVIOUS TIMES SHIT U LUV HIM DUNT U HE LUVS U TO HELL LOTS MAN WAT E HELL IS UP CALM N COOL OK RELAXS DUN B HASTY PLS DUN OK ITS UNFAIR TO HIM .. V UNFAIR .... u chose it live wid it babe ..
bt e prob is i luv him i m jus so scared of runnin awae frm e wrld of identities ITS v tough
not easi TO HIS FAMILY I GOTA CALL HIM NAMES I DUN WANA I GOTA ANS QNS I DUN WANA N THEN TO MINE ITS LIEK I DUNO ... N TO HIS PALS I M JUS ANOTHER ..... N TO MY PALS I M JUS ANOTHER .... WATS UP SOCIETY AND ALL R CUMIN INTO E PIC M I REALLI OK
U LUV HIM REKHA GO 4 IT OK DUN DO TIS WAT WRONG DID E 2 OF U DO XCEPT BEING $%^@$q$........WATEVA~not gona let him go i m facin hard times realli hard bt I Jus hope swami pls hlp us dun let us jus go .. pls swami dun take sum1 who i luv awae pls swami dun do anythin swami ... pls pls pls i beg u i see him as a .... i cant see him as a .... n i cant tink of it as a mistake though its a fatal one bt i got no choice luv has jus blinded me frm e gal i used to b n out of e other shity world ... life is jus life i wana marry him pls swami PLS JUS HLP ME I LUV HIM HE NEEDS ME EVEN IF I DUN NEED HIM OR EVEN IF I DO HE NEEDS ME HELL LOTS HE HAS NO1 ELSE XCEPT ME~PLSSSSSSSS HES ONLI A CHILD PLS DUN BREAK HIS HEART THRUGH ME TATS ALL I ASK COS TIS 3 MTHS I DID NOTHIN BT TO BREAK HIM IN MANI WAES I JUS HATE MYSELF I REALLI WANA SAE SORRY TO HIM BCOS OF ME I M GONA LEARN TO LET GO N LEARN TO ACCEPT CRITISCISMS OF BEING STRAIGHT OR WATEVA IN MY LIFE COS MY LIFE IS STRAIGHT HEAR TAT BITCHES OUT THERE I GOT NOTHIN E YEARS B4 OR ANY YEARS I HAD LIVED BT NOW I M BLESSED WID SUM1 WHO LUVS ME WHO VALUES ME MORE THAN HIS LIFE I M NOT GONA GIVE IT UP 4 ANYTHIN N I MEAN IT I PROMISE TO GIVE HIM HIS SPACE N LET HIM JUS HAVE HIS WAE WAT MATTERS IS AT E END OF E DAE I LUV HIM N HE DUS LUV ME TOO ... I M GONA SHOW TRUE LUV IN A TOTALLI DIFF WAY N PERCEPTION OF LIFE ... M GONA AACCEPT IT ITS HARD BT I GOTA FACE IT ... ITS V V DIFF BT HOW CAN I NOT VALUE OR EVEN SALVAGE A GUY WHO LUVS ME MORE THAN ANYTHIN ELSE IN E WRLD~TIS IS ALL I CAN DO BITCHES CRITICISE ALL U WAN I MADE MY CHOICE IN LIFE...   ¶ 4:32 AM

  hmmm lathas bdae we met her n best part....he shouted at me lah 4 a lame reason lah mayb not shout bt voice was much louder was so angri n i walked all e wae to clarke quay wid him followin closely bhind AS USUAL!EHHEH marie saw us lah so she kinda asked hmm sumthin wrong gal n i went leik nah gtg chao heheh anywae yeah n then went to ermmmmmmmmmmmmm clarkequay boat quay walked walked n came bak penisular met latha n then WAIT B4 TAT 4TH NOV WAT HAPPEENDED WAS I MET HIM LAH N THEN SUPOSED TO GO OUT STUDY N BEST PART WAS I WAS MADE TO SIT IN KFC TO STUDY N HE SAID HE WAS GOIN TO TOILET BT THEN IT TOOK XTREMELY LONG N I KINDA FIGURED OUT HES GONA DO SUMTHIN TO HIS 50DOLLAR BUCKAROO SO YEAH N THERE AFTER BLOODY LONG WAIT HE APPEARED WID 3 BLUE DYED ROSES EHHEHE N A CARD OMGGGGGGG I WAS LIEK GONA MELT ANYWAE I DID MELT LAH BT I SHUDUP COS WE WERENT HAVIN A GD DAE WAS REALLI SCREWED LAH N THEN HE GAVE ME A CARD SO I WAS LEIK SO SHY COS EVERY1 TRUST ME EVERY1 THERE WAS LOOKIN I WONDER IN JEALOUSY OR BEING ENVIOUS OR TINKIN TAT WE R NUTS OR MAYB HE WAS NUTS HAHAH I FELT SUPER EMBARRASED THOUGH M SUPOSED TO FEEL GOOD BT NO TRUST ME I DINT COS I WAS TOO SHY N EMBARRASED 4 E 2ND TIME OF MY LIFE OTHER THEN E TIME HE WENT DOWN ON HIS KNEES WHEN HE ASKED ME ON HAHAHA LOL ANYWAE N THEN I BO PIAN LAH SINCE HE BOUGHT ME SUMTHIN 4 E DAE B4 WHICH WAS TOTTALLI SCREWED I AFTER A WHILE TOLD HIM MY PAL CARRIE WAS CUMIN N THEN I LEFT WID MY WALLET N HP OF COS WELL ANY1 WUD HAVE GUESSED M GONA BUY SUMTHIN 4 HIM BT HE WAS SUCH A NUT HE DINT HAVE A CLUE EHHEHE ANYWAE I WENT STRAIGHT DOWN TO WISMA FIND FIND CANT FIND SO LASTLY HEADED TO HMV IN E RAIN N SPOTTED WALLET SHOP N GOT A IDEA TAT EH HE DID SAE HE WANTED A WALLET SO I WENT IN N ASKED E WOMAN WHICH WAS GOOD OR LATEST LAH THEN SHE POINTED OUT A FEW I WAS SO CONFUSED BT TIME WAS RUNNIN OUT SO I WENT STRAIGHT 4 E BILLABONG ~HEHE COS I NOE HE LIKED BILLABONG BT CASH WAS A SHIT ASS PROB LAH SO NVM LETS GET HIM TAT SINCE HE SPEND ON ME COS ITS LIEK USUALLI WHEN HE HAS IT HE SPENDS ON ME LAH SO YEAH BOUGHT HIM E WALLET N CALLED HIM DOWN SAEIN TAT MY PAL IS CRYIN I CANT CARRY HER UP N SHE HAVIIN BGR PROB HE BEING ANOTHER IDIOT LEFT IMMEDIATELY N CAME DOWN TO TAKA N SUPRISE I HANDED HIM E BAG HEHEH ALL HE DID WAS SMILE N WAS SHOCKED HEHEH SEE SO DUMB RIGHTZ!ANY GUY WUD HAVE GUESSED IT OR MAYB HE WAS PRETENDING HONEY IF U R SEEIN THIS U R SO DUMB! EHHE SORRY so yeah n then we went to komlas fine dinin n then went home lah as usual n then best part latha bdae yeah n then at nite i lied to em saein i meetin pal 4 clubbin bt this two refused to go wanted to cum n see me off i went leik nvm i go home lah cos i dint wana spoil it 4 e 2 best pals as i been always in e middle i noe it man i noe it~anywae then BEST PART TAT ASSHOLE JUS WALLKED SO FAST AFTER SAEIN BYE TO HER N LEFT ME STRANDED N LATHA WENT THE NORTH DIRECTION SO I WAS PISSED N HEADED SOUTH N HE HEADED WEST SO U CAN IMAGINE LAH SO YEh then later i called him he said not gona bother me anymore n said sorry n i was leik wat e hell n i guessed as much he wanted TO DO SUMTHIN SO FOOLISH SO I TOLD HIM PLS PLS DUN DO TIS N TAT I LUV HIM AS USUAL E WAE COUPLES PATCH TINGS UP JUS TAT I MEANT EVERY WRD I SAID LAH heheh lolz!n then i realised tat nite i was stranded amONG E MALAY SCREWED PUNKS N i was liek shit man i called him n said pls cum bak i m in e middle of e field cum find me near esplanade then he came n then i told him so do u strand gals middle of nowhere do i dserve tis wont u even have looked back?n he n me started cryin n then i hugged him lah n then liek tat lah went home V LATE mum screwed me upside down blamin it on him~anywae......hmmm she was complainin she so sick bt i neglectin her 4 sum1 who jus came yest kinda ting so yeah n then i called him asked 4 a break n best part we both did cry n bt admitted lluvin each other alot n then nxt dae i told him not to cum anymore so yeah dint feel leik a sundae i rem n yeah ttats abt it ....n then best part told mum nothin btw me n him n she scolded me n told him cum bak then he came n i cudnt stp smilin then hugged him n fed up dinner n then dae ended o boi i luv him to e max   ¶ 2:33 AM

  HMM SHIT LAH I WAS studyin till i came in n sudd he came to my house arGhHhHh u noe arr I BUAY TAHAN WHEN I STUDY i tink of e scenario happenin E SAME SCENARIO TAT HAPPENED IN FRONT OF ME E DAE B4 YEST i had tis feelin SHES gona hOLD HIS HAND ... n YEAH TRUE ... v true indeed tat SHE NEEDS SUM1 bttttttttttt WHY MUS IT B E SAME PLACE I N HIM FREQUENT AT TIMES .... its hard to understand me when it comes to matters of e heart i duno y i get realli agitated n edged out when EVEN IF its a sis i dun like COS E TRUTH IS ITS NOT!n on e street PPLE dun see 2 PPLE HOLDIN HANDS AS BRO N SIS YEAH TRUE BT i get tis realli shitty feeling WHEN I NEEDED SUM1 AFTER ASS'S BREAK up I WENT OUT WID MNAI GUYS THOUGH I NEEDED THEIR SHOULDER I DINT CRY OR HUG OR EEVEN WENT CLOSE TO HOLDING THEIR HANDS.... TO ME ITS DIFF TO EM ITS DIFF mayb i feel bad to cum in btw best pals ... mayB i shud leave ... which was my idealogy yest ii realised 4 a split sec how impt i can get or Not impt i can get at all ... I REm those wordS FINE!I CANT COMPROMISE SHES WAE TOO IMPT BYE ~ IT jus kps bugging me i duno y i jus wana cry out so badly WHo do i have 4 me to share tis with i mean he said it wid so much of emotions in his eyes n he saes nono it was jus a melodrama bt how do u tink i feeel i m not a slut or a bitch to heck it i m realli a human wid feelings i duno wat i did wrong in all my relationship there has TO B TIS SINGLE PARTICULAR GAL its either shes E SIS OR PAL OR WATEVA mayb i m jus too harsh on everythin around me BT I CANT ACCEPT E FACT OF SUM1ELSE HOLDIN MY GUY'S HAND XCEPT ME EVEN IF ITS HIS SIS OR BRO NO!ITS ONLI ME !i duno bt i guess i m imposin jus too much i dun require others to understand me its ok .... bt i jus hope tat i can change
mayb if i change i shud start goin clubbin n be a liL MORE OPEn ! if i had held sum1s hand tings wont have been e same he would have said nvm bt deep down his heaart i noe him HES A ASS WHO DOESNT LIEK GF HOLDIN SUM1 ELSE HAND OR EVEN LET ANY GUY GET NEAR ME wat a ass! y issit one rule 4 me another 4 him~i duno lah GAL U BETA CHANGE NOW I cant see HER AS MY pal anymore or my sis to add on i see her as i duuno wat bt its ttotalli not MY FAULT any1 who cums near my bf i wont 4give i gota change mayb i shud jus let em b ... n stp being so .. bt i cant hlp it finali when i get wat i wan i cant dream of losin it or let it go even a bit .. Y WONT ANY1 UNDERSTAND ...
i duno bt i jus cant 4give her I REALLI CANT .. i try TOO HARD i m FORCIN MYSELF TOO HARD PUSHIN MYSELF TOO HARD i cant ... I JUS HAD ENUFF everytime most of e quarrel is abt HER her her ITS LEIK mayb i shud jus let em off in e holidaes BT I DUN UDNERSTAND ONE TING 4 A FACT .... I WAS WILLIN TO SACRIFICE E PPLE AROUND ME EVEN E KEWLEST HUNK OR BABE BT WHY ISSIT WHEN IT CUMS TO ME ALL I ASK IS ... nvm i dun require any1 to sacrifice i had too much to put up with sick of it totalli am ...
mayb i shud jus start clubbin so tat he wud have time out wid her or any1 else i realised how much i have imposed on any1 i wont anymore i wont sae it out nor act tat wae everythins jus my fault I REALLI HOPE HE WONT READ TIS BT IF U DO RAM DUN CHANGE its OK SERIOUSLy I M SORRY ... ESP 4 LAST NITE OUR 3MTH ANNI nothin turned out fine y issit u always tell me u wana give HER E BEST OF E DAE U CUD bt when it cums to me i told u i wanted e best of dae yest on e bus itself n we jus had to screw it n it was our anni ... hmm anywae .. i dun require or ask much thxs 4 eeverythin i did promise u i wont change bt a lil change is v v much needed even if its a change whcih requires u to hate me i dun mind cos my bottom line is watever much i hate uR PAL or any1 i wan u to b wiD her or HIM Or b it any1 .... dun waste ur life for a gal whose worth ur TRAGIC 3MTHS ... WHEREAS UR BEST PAL HAS BEEN THERE 4 MANI HAPPY YEARS ALL E BEST.. sorry   ¶ 7:24 PM